Where I was Monday Morning.

Monday Morning I wasn't in a good place. Mentally. Physically the radiologists office was very good looking. Anyhow we had just gone over the PET scan, the MRI (both rather interseting ways of saying that yes, I did indeed have cancer.

After going over those we went over the dental surgery I would have to get soon. Hooray, just 'cause, you know, my mouth didn't hurt enough. This was was just getting better and better. Then we went over side effects of radiation (most become slightly more likely with chemo). After an hour of listening about the changes in quality in life I realized we had an hour to get to the hospital so I could get my tube installed (something that had made me rather bitter).

I motioned something to this affect to my mom who, for once, understood my motions (more likely she just looked at her watch). My mom relayed this information to the Doctor. The doc said "alright, are their any last questions?" and my dad started asking something while I typed out a, well a personal question on my phone. And dad kept asking questions, and, while I don't remember exactly what they where, at this point they weren't even super relevant to me.

So as the doctor answered my fathers third question, and my dad was about to launch into his fourth question, when interrupted  him a mumble that the doctor took as "Noah has a question." After a quick game of "guess what Noahs motions mean" they got that I wanted to ask this question solo.

Just fair warning right here. You may not like the question.You may be offended by it. It may worry you about me. You may be reading too much into it. Last chance to turn back.

"What would happen if after walking out of here, I decide all this medicine stuff isn't helping too much and I just keep taking pain killer but stop everything else?" The Doctor read off my phone. He then looked at me.

"Just don't do that." He said, and I started crying. "You'd die in eight or nine months. And I've seen people who've gone and done that with the same oral cancer as you. In the end it may be one of the most painful and horrible ways to die."

As I collected my self emotionally I typed out that "I was just curious" and he said when I com back I should set up an appointment with the social worker who works with his office. We left exhausted, getting there at eight am on a Monday and leaving at at around 10:15am. So we drove off, so I could get a feeding tube.