FAQ and S

I've been trying to write this for days. Sickness and tiredness have taken there toll on me. As have seeing so many people everyday (although it's been great seeing so many people). Just saying sorry it took so long. Ok well I promised to give out a frequently asked questions with the last post. Well I haven't gotten many questions. So we will include statements. So this is a FAQS; Frequently Asked Questions and Statements!

Q) Who is your nasty friend?
A) I'm not telling, except to that person if he asks. I'll give you that much of a clue. I've also learned since then of some heavy stuff going around him, so I don't want to burden him with guilt. And I understand that this may be his reaction to seeing mortality in me.

Q) Noah are you looking for books? You should read *blank* book. Noah read this.
A) I'm not sure how I feel about books now. I've always loved to read so I've spent a lot of time reading. But being on my last few legs now, I almost feel that reading is a waste of time. However that is kind of a cop out answer. I waste time with TV, and that is much less beatifically than reading. It may also have to do with all the religious, holistic, new agy stuff people want me to read. Its not really my cup of tea. And I'm not even feeling like reading books that are my cup of tea. So I guess I'm saying don't need to be offered books to read. As I'm not really doing more than glancing at books I have.

Q)How can I help? What can I do?
A) If you are in or near San Francisco try to visit me. If you aren't  near SF send me an email, although I'm notoriously bad at writing back to you. If your feeling like you have some extra money you can mail me a card, snail mail style. That's really all I want and need. Well that you can do. If someone is a doctor and feels like removing this trake, I would be ever so grateful. My parents may want some break time so if you know them feel free to call to watch me and let them go out or stay in and sleep.

Q) How are you feeling?
A) Alright. If you want me to get more specific I will, but I'm always gonna be alright because I know that a week from now I'll be worse and a week from then I'll be worse and so on until a week from then I'll be dead. I hate to be candid like that, but its only going to get worse from here.

Q) Why do you hate the tracheotomy  so much?
A) I don't know, I just do. Its annoying. I'm always coughing up Flem. It is hard to disguise if I want to go out. It makes talking, which is possible just painful, impossible. It makes drinking impossible. I cant turn my head as much as I could before. It screams to everyone that this guy has a problem, which is not the business of strangers on the street. Because of that I stay indoors slightly more than I would have otherwise. And the flemy discharge gets all over my chest and neck, often when I am sleeping. I hate the Trake more than the cancer, and that is saying quite a lot, because the cancer brings me new and exotic pains almost daily.

Q) Are you angry/sad/depressed/etc.?
A) I'd like to think that I'm not angry or sad or depressed. But I'm can't. Every now and again when I scratch the surface I find anger and sadness. Mostly because I was a capable self-sufficient man, and now what can I do. Getting out of bed is almost an ordeal. Going to the bathroom is an ordeal (generally one that should be celebrated). I had energy and could lift things that needed lifting, and I had focus and could write "whatever" and generally get an A in school. I guess this is dying, it hurts like living, but my body is turning out the lights one at a time to close the factory (and tell me that that is not depression right there). On the flip side I'm very  open about talking about my illness or this process. I am not scared of dying (yet; I may be in denial). Almost no questions have come about that, but I'm open none the less. I think the most important this is that I don't let the anger, the sadness, the denial, and the depression get in the way of the happiness.

Q) What do you want done around your death? Anything that we can do to honor your memory?
A) Well as I'm dieing in my final hours I would love to have all my loved ones around. I will probably be unconscious and don't know how realistic that is. When asked what I wanted to happen to my body after death I replied "Taxidermy." Something tells me that isn't gonna happen. I have a feeling that I'm going to be cremated. That is fine with me. Although I wonder about my tattoos. It feels like a waist, I hope they can remove that skin, cure it, and put it in frames.
As too honoring my memory. I mostly want people to be happy and smile. So I say plant a tree or do a good deed, and smile in my name. Donate time to a good cause if you can't donate money. Indeed that might be more important than donating money, I don't know. I didn't volunteer as much as I'd have liked too.

Q) Whats going on with that art tattoo thing?
A) Well I got three pieces of art. I am hoping more might be coming soon so I can get it all done into a sleeve around my arm. Hopefully soon, Doctor said I could get a tattoo but don't know how long it will be where I can stand it. And if someone doesn't want to do a picture or something like that, that's fine; write an entry to my blog, and I'll post it. You could write a poem, or how your feeling or how I treated you in life or something like this.