Hi, again

Hey everybody. Yet again I apologize for not writing. I'm sure you are tired of my excuses. It really is not my fault this time. No one can say I was lazy this last week. Its all your fault. So many people I've seen this week. People have been here every day practically from wake up to go to bed. People who've scheduled time with me. And many who haven't. And I've loved it while ruing it. I really got over extended. But with just about everyone I felt like I had a great connection. And almost everyone I've had a great goodbye, as well as some non-goodbyes, simply well wishes. So I wanted to write on Wednesday and Friday, two different days. I now have a chance Sunday. Thank god for small favors.

So emotionally it has been a great week. Physically and mentally each day has been worse and worse. Pain has been well managed and I very glad about that. But things people don't think can be rather difficult. Sitting to standing takes a while. Standing to sitting or laying down, somewhat of a challenge. And my brain I am fairly sure has become the consistency of rice pudding. While my spelling and grammar have always been, ah lets say... uniquely my own, that has deteriorated notably. And I have developed odd tics with my writing. Often I'll double up a word and not notice it. So if I do that here please forgive me.

Today I have reached a conclusion. I take a certain drug to "wake up" and stay awake for a while. It works well. Even I think I'm better than I am when I take it. But today I did a self inventory and I don't believe I'm long for this world. Sorry to be so blunt but this could be my last blog. But I don't know for sure. And a little new harsh reality for you, and me. I have, in the last few days become scared. Not of dying, I am at peace with being dead at a tender age and all that. I have become afraid of the processes of dying. How long it will take, weather my my pain meds will help. If its in the middle of the night and everyone is asleep will I die alone? And my biggest worry, something I shouldn't worry about at all is what if something goes wrong. I mean really, what can go wrong while dying. Isn't that just called living. It is just a thought that occasionally swims through the pudding of my brain.

But I've got to tell you it has been an awesome time from leaving the hospital to this point here. Lots of great times seeing people I never thought I would see again, and just being honest and pure with everyone. And having fun times and lazy Sundays. I've gotten to do some stuff that I've never done, seen sights I've never seen, and drove through a dairy (really). So I want to thank you for all that you've done, every email, snail mail, visit or anything. Its all been awesome. Well this isn't the final post for sure, I've got some more information to share for sure. So this will be closely followed.