Short Notice is Better than no notice.

Hey everybody. Once again I feel some much love and compassion by all the visits that I've had. And they have been abundant. But somewhere along the way I realized I've been lying to everyone, you, my parents, and even myself. It came as a shock.

See I have told everyone that mentally and spiritually I am at peace with dying. And I truly thought that I was. Until several days ago I was with an old friend who I hung out with just about every day in high school then maybe two to four times in the decade since I left high school. And he was sitting next to me on the couch reading my badly worded quick type. I typed something to lighten up the mood and we both chuckled, and I was struck with a thought from the depths of my mind, this may be the last time I ever see this guy. I always wanted to reconnect with him but it didn't happen even though we still get along great. But yeah, I'm dying, but without the same certainty that I ready for it.

But I am getting to a state of peace again. And that's what this blog is about. I am getting worse for wear. Can not handle as much as I could once upon a time (like when I got home from the hospital). Physically I get weaker by the day. I need more sleep each day even with the drugs I'm taking to wake up and be alert. And the everloving pain in my mouth is always there in some degrees. Its being handled well though, when I remember on time to take this or that.

But this has been a learning and growing experience.When I can concentrate on a thought, I feel much more... evolved. I've been and adult legally since 18 and really at 21. I felt like an adult around 25 I guess. People (family) noticed and vocalized on the man I've become half way through 27. Good reviews mostly, but felt behind since I was back in school. Now here I am, at 28 and a half: and I like me. I think this is the first time I really mean it. For weeks I have enjoyed the person I am. I think I've grown to be a good man. Too much of a people pleaser sometimes, but overall a genuine honest person.

So next random tangent, but important information for would be visitors, I am not seeing people after Saturday the 12th. There my be some exceptions, like docs and nurses, or if someone has big reason why they need to see me. But I just don not see having the energy to see people. I am sorry but foresee energy just going down the tubes in a major way. It is all part of the process of dying according to the literature I have read.

So if you want to contact you should be able to reach me. Days are filling fast. You can reach me at the same email; fadingwildcard@gmail.com. I'm on facebook, but not twitter. Or you can text me or call the house. But yeah. I hope to see everyone who wants to see me, in less intense numbers than before. Just like always thanks for reading. And if energy stays constant or doesn't drop as far as I think it will I may just reopen the following week. But don't count on it. Plus the nurse says it should be a 2 people at a time, max.