Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.

Its almost two in the morning and I have to be up in about five hours. I'm rather tired and my body feels like it wants to sleep. In fact I am doing that sleepy head bob, where I inadvertently close my eyes and as my head starts to fall forward I jerk it up. I need sleep. However my mind is racing. And falling asleep will be easy, but not restful. The hole in my throat makes keeps me half awake anyway. I'm letting you know this just in case my subsequent ramble makes no sense at all.


So I've been feeling guilty about the cancer. People keep telling me to milk it. Especially my pop; in regards to milking him for what I want that he can afford. However I know cancer is life threatening and all, but I kinda felt like I got "cancer light." I mean it was just a growth on my tongue. Slightly larger then a cold sore. Sure it was painful. And it kept getting more and more painful, but it wasn't like colon cancer or lung cancer or testicular cancer. It hadn't even spread to the limphnodes yet. We thought it did, but after removing them we found out it didn't.

So it was painful, but at no point and time did I feel like my life was in danger. As a matter of fact the after effects of the surgery are worse than the cancer was, so far at least. The cancer was physically painful. The after effects of the operation are also physically painful, although at this point much less, but I feel the over all quality of life has gone down.

I can't shave (well I can shave, but not in any style I like). When I leave the house I either have to have my trake tube showing, or wear a bandanna around my neck. That would work in Texas or Wyoming. But San Francisco isn't too keen on cowboys. Plus it really doesn't go with any of my outfits. And while  moral support from people has been terrific my social life has significantly gone down the drain. The vast majority of my social interaction has been with my parents. And I can tell they're tired of me being grumpy (I really am trying not to be a Scrooge).

With the exception of several people, almost no one seems to want to see me. And with my speech almost incomprehensible its not like I can call people up to say hi (I do text though). I guess I'm just kinda sad that some people whom I thought were close as, if not closer than, family seem to have all but cut me off. Oh they'll say hi online, answer text messages and make a token appearance once or twice in a blue moon. Maybe I remind people of frailty of the human condition. Which is probably harder on my twenty something friends who still want to feel invincibility of youth. But still, it just brings me to almost leper status.

Now I'm not talking about everyone, or anyone particular person(s). And I know I'm not the center of everyone's universe. It would just be nice if I didn't feel like I had to beg to see certain friends. I will admit that there have been some friends who have been more than awesome about seeing me at every chance they have. Kudos to them.

So this blog isn't meant to hurt anyones feelings, make anyone feel guilty, or accuse anyone of wrong doing. It's just a way of trying to release my feelings (which is rather hard for me). So as always I hope everyone is doing awesome. If people like spaghetti and garlic bread (or just want to see me) Shar ZaHav is throwing a dinner in my honor this Friday (I think). If you're interested in going just send me an email for the info (send it to fadingwildcard@gmail.com). You don't have to be Jewish. You don't have to eat (but there will be food).

Alright, well I'm glad to have gotten that all off my chest. Sorry if it was all poorly written, I'm not going to edit this post 'cause I want to go to sleep. It's going to be a long morning tomorrow (probably today when you're reading this). Oh, and for what its worth, surgery again Tuesday. So yet another super happy fun time (due to super happy fun time drugs, along with (please god in which I don't believe in) removal of my trake!