This is the end, my lonely friends.

Well everyone I don't know how to start this. I didn't know how to start the blog either. A blog I figured maybe ten people would follow out of boredom or pity. But unless a whole lot of you are board I have succeeded with this blog past what I could have even imagined. I've got so many emails, and I have tried to keep up with them. Sorry if you didn't get a reply, it was an error and an oversight; there was no malice intent there.

For those that care, I broke bread with my brother from another mother that had turned from me (my nasty friend), due to my dying. We made good from the bad, and I wish him well, and does I. Even though he is still unready to accept my all too soon death. Also with all the death going on in the world it seems so narcissistic for me to rant, "ow my jaw" or "boo hoo I am having trouble walking down the stairs." I truly feel for Japan and Syria and all those places back the way to Haiti. Also remember that all it takes is a beer a stranger and a car and you could be gone. Life is fragile.

Also working out kinks new site. New stories will, hopefully be up soon. I certainly hope that it works out. And I'm sure the email will overflow with the number or stories following my memorial and that will take my help days to put up and or they may just quite.

Also I want to thank all those artists out there. I cant do the tattoo now, but I have above my bed all sorts of images and art. Each piece is full of heart and love. If you wanted to make something but couldn't that is fine and I thank you. If your piece is in the mail than awesome. But we can say that once I see it I'll be in love with it also. And if you had no intention of making me art, thats fine.

So I thought for the last post I would not force you to read more of depressing mixture of words that seem to be fit into a structure that looks like American style English. No in fact I think I force you to read advice of mine. And just for your sake, I've pulled advice from others too. I will to try to give credit where credit is due. It isn't the longest list, but it isn't the shortest list ever.

Safety First. Even when doing wrong; safety first.
--This is the first rule that I memorized. I have tried to follow it from age 4 or 5 to today. It was taught by my loving and beloved uncle.

Don't waste time infront of the TV or Playing games (or even reading books)
--You have a life. I may not. What you should do, and what I should have done more, is go and have an experience. Good experience, bad experience just know that you are alive. And I wish I didn't spend so much time with all that. That being said you can still play games or watch your favorite shows, just don't in place of socializing.

Live each day as if it were your last.
--Not literally. Since I learned I was terminal I became completely honest and open. It just happened. And I was honest with myself and my emotions. And I stopped my little gossip that I played in. All this helped people really know me and get close to me.

Don't hold Grudges.
--I would hold hate in my heart so long the original reason was long dead and forgotten. Very rarely did I execute a revenge. It never made me happy, and ruined friendships. Forgiveness, true forgiveness in your heart is golden though. But even if you can't or won't forgive don't hold anger or hate. I'm told if you do it can lead to some awesome Sith powers though.

Wind chimes are not an accurate method for measuring time.
--Fairly obvious but good to know.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a rather persistent one.
--Albert Einstien

Good judgment comes from experience. And where does experiance come from? Experience comes from Bad judgment.
--Mark Twain

Its a lot like slamming your dick in a drawer. Interesting in concept, but ultimately just painful and not worth the effort.
--Angelo (about just about every time you have to deal with Government)

Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish all the rest.
--Mark Twain

Too er is human
--Every person makes mistakes. Some are prone to do them. Just be kind when when accidents happen. Especially when you are angry due to a mistake.

There is no such thing as a small act of kindness.
--The smallest kindness on your part could make someone day. I found just being around someone smiling often made me feel better.

If your falling off a cliff you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing left to lose.
--Not mine, but don't know where I got it.

Well I guess this is my grand farewell. As always feel free to email me. I may or may not respond depending on many factors, the biggest of which is weather or not my heart is beating. I wish all my readers positive things for the rest of their days. I know that this blog has entertained and helped has made nearing the end of my life so much fuller and I am glad I saw the project to the end. Mispellings and grammer mistakes and all. The emotional benefit knowing what I share makes a difference has helped me. I find sharing emotions rather hard. So this whole blogitty thing was started with 2 strikes against it. Share stories at the other sight. Share feelings with your friends. Help people when you can and they need a hand for support. Stop rambling, Noah. The truth is I really don't want this end. Goodbye cyperspace, I'll see you again on Social networking sites. I hold love for all who hold it for me (and some who don't).

Fin

All good things...

I am not going to be here much longer. That being said the blog is also teetering at the edge of being done. Thinking and typing at the same time may just get too difficult. Or I may get too sleepy for writing. Any who this blog is on its last legs.

But I don't want to let everyone down. I can't take away your Noah fixes. Of course this blog will be up, but I imagine it will get boring after reading 10 or 20 times. Just a guess. So I started a new blog. There are also people who will run it after I'm gone (hopefully, I'll have no way of knowing if they stop). And this new blog is written by all of you.

The new blog is called The Parade of our Mutual Life. It is about how everyone affects everyone. All you have to do is send a story to a specific email account I set up. The story's should feature me in some facet. It could revolve around me, or it could be you read my blog and were thinking about and something happened. Make sure you put your name on it, no anonymous stories will be accepted. And also no editors, so use your spell check. Also english would be nice, but other languages will be accepted.

So the web address for that www.rememberingnoah.blogspot.com
When you write a story send it to fadingwildcard@yahoo.com
Just remember that for stories its yahoo, and that will go on when I can't. If you want to reach me its gmail. That won't be going on after I am gone. If you have any questions or confusion, email it to either account an I'll try to clear it up.

So I guess that is it. I hope I've given you enough information. If I didn't just email questions as always (or ask in the comments). I'm excited about the new blog and I hope you are two. Also, send in some stories or it all is for not.

Hi, again

Hey everybody. Yet again I apologize for not writing. I'm sure you are tired of my excuses. It really is not my fault this time. No one can say I was lazy this last week. Its all your fault. So many people I've seen this week. People have been here every day practically from wake up to go to bed. People who've scheduled time with me. And many who haven't. And I've loved it while ruing it. I really got over extended. But with just about everyone I felt like I had a great connection. And almost everyone I've had a great goodbye, as well as some non-goodbyes, simply well wishes. So I wanted to write on Wednesday and Friday, two different days. I now have a chance Sunday. Thank god for small favors.

So emotionally it has been a great week. Physically and mentally each day has been worse and worse. Pain has been well managed and I very glad about that. But things people don't think can be rather difficult. Sitting to standing takes a while. Standing to sitting or laying down, somewhat of a challenge. And my brain I am fairly sure has become the consistency of rice pudding. While my spelling and grammar have always been, ah lets say... uniquely my own, that has deteriorated notably. And I have developed odd tics with my writing. Often I'll double up a word and not notice it. So if I do that here please forgive me.

Today I have reached a conclusion. I take a certain drug to "wake up" and stay awake for a while. It works well. Even I think I'm better than I am when I take it. But today I did a self inventory and I don't believe I'm long for this world. Sorry to be so blunt but this could be my last blog. But I don't know for sure. And a little new harsh reality for you, and me. I have, in the last few days become scared. Not of dying, I am at peace with being dead at a tender age and all that. I have become afraid of the processes of dying. How long it will take, weather my my pain meds will help. If its in the middle of the night and everyone is asleep will I die alone? And my biggest worry, something I shouldn't worry about at all is what if something goes wrong. I mean really, what can go wrong while dying. Isn't that just called living. It is just a thought that occasionally swims through the pudding of my brain.

But I've got to tell you it has been an awesome time from leaving the hospital to this point here. Lots of great times seeing people I never thought I would see again, and just being honest and pure with everyone. And having fun times and lazy Sundays. I've gotten to do some stuff that I've never done, seen sights I've never seen, and drove through a dairy (really). So I want to thank you for all that you've done, every email, snail mail, visit or anything. Its all been awesome. Well this isn't the final post for sure, I've got some more information to share for sure. So this will be closely followed.

Short Notice is Better than no notice.

Hey everybody. Once again I feel some much love and compassion by all the visits that I've had. And they have been abundant. But somewhere along the way I realized I've been lying to everyone, you, my parents, and even myself. It came as a shock.

See I have told everyone that mentally and spiritually I am at peace with dying. And I truly thought that I was. Until several days ago I was with an old friend who I hung out with just about every day in high school then maybe two to four times in the decade since I left high school. And he was sitting next to me on the couch reading my badly worded quick type. I typed something to lighten up the mood and we both chuckled, and I was struck with a thought from the depths of my mind, this may be the last time I ever see this guy. I always wanted to reconnect with him but it didn't happen even though we still get along great. But yeah, I'm dying, but without the same certainty that I ready for it.

But I am getting to a state of peace again. And that's what this blog is about. I am getting worse for wear. Can not handle as much as I could once upon a time (like when I got home from the hospital). Physically I get weaker by the day. I need more sleep each day even with the drugs I'm taking to wake up and be alert. And the everloving pain in my mouth is always there in some degrees. Its being handled well though, when I remember on time to take this or that.

But this has been a learning and growing experience.When I can concentrate on a thought, I feel much more... evolved. I've been and adult legally since 18 and really at 21. I felt like an adult around 25 I guess. People (family) noticed and vocalized on the man I've become half way through 27. Good reviews mostly, but felt behind since I was back in school. Now here I am, at 28 and a half: and I like me. I think this is the first time I really mean it. For weeks I have enjoyed the person I am. I think I've grown to be a good man. Too much of a people pleaser sometimes, but overall a genuine honest person.

So next random tangent, but important information for would be visitors, I am not seeing people after Saturday the 12th. There my be some exceptions, like docs and nurses, or if someone has big reason why they need to see me. But I just don not see having the energy to see people. I am sorry but foresee energy just going down the tubes in a major way. It is all part of the process of dying according to the literature I have read.

So if you want to contact you should be able to reach me. Days are filling fast. You can reach me at the same email; fadingwildcard@gmail.com. I'm on facebook, but not twitter. Or you can text me or call the house. But yeah. I hope to see everyone who wants to see me, in less intense numbers than before. Just like always thanks for reading. And if energy stays constant or doesn't drop as far as I think it will I may just reopen the following week. But don't count on it. Plus the nurse says it should be a 2 people at a time, max.

5 Rules For Visiting Noah

After two weeks of having guests come over and visiting me I come with some rules..., well not rules, more guidelines about coming to see me. Hoping these help facilitate a better experience for you. If not, then hopefully it will give you insight into how I am doing.
Rule the First: I am not here to entertain you.
 So don't expect me to. I will be happy to converse with you.Watch TV with you. Possibly even play a board game with you. We can do things together and that is fine. But if your board I am not going to go out of my way to be more entertaining. This also means if I need to sleep, I'm going to go to bed. I get drained easily and you must respect that if I need to lie down, I am going to lie down.
Rule the Second: You must be paiteint when I speak, For I must type to Converse
 This seems obvious but you'd be surprised. Especially when I'm in a room with several people or multiple conversations going on. I can only type so fast, so often by the time I finish a thought the conversation has moved, often is drastic and mind boggling ways.
Rule the Third: Don't Hide your Emotions:
 Your here to celebrate my life with me.But also to morn the years I wont be able to groove with you. So if you need to cry that's fine. If you want to smile and joke, thats right up my ally. If your angry and want to punch me, tha'ts assault, and I'd prefer you didn't. But we can discuss where that anger comes from and what its really about...
 Also don't be embarrassed about asking questions. I'm not embarrassed about answering them. Any thing I can do to help I'll do. No subject is off limits. And I promise to answer honestly.
Rule the Fourth: Don't mind my things; ie noises, coughing, feeding, flem, spitting and meds
 In polite society we try not to cough or sneeze around others.We discretely fix blemishes and blow our noses. We eat in small bites chew small bits and don't talk with our mouth full. Now I've never been in "polite society" but I often try to be polite. I am now cursed to fail at that. Noises abound from the whole in my neck. Sounds man is not meant to hear nor make. From the neck hole also comes coughs that produce copious amounts of Flem and mucus.The pain I have when I swallow means I often have an abundance of saliva. So I often go and run to the bath room to spit. When that is unavailable I spit in the living room trash can. If I'm outside I spit on the ground. Also, sometimes I close my eyes when we are talking or if a group is talking. This has nothing to do with how tired I am. It helps me focus. It helps me really get to know what people are saying. Closing my eyes has almost nothing to do with how tired I am.
Rule the Sixth: You Don't Need to Bring me Gifts
 Fairly self explanatory. You can (as long as it isn't a book). And I'll try to enjoy it as long as I can.  But since that won't be too long, you may want to save your money. No their is one key exception to that, I am still waiting for art to come in. Tattoos were the ONE thing he said I could still do. That being said I don't think I'd make it to the tattoo shop, but letters and self made Art really make me feel tons better.

Now I'm sure these guidelines don't cover everything. I'm sure I could have added more or less. But no matter what I put down something would be missing. All I really want to say is Thank You those who've come to visit me, Thank You to those who've wrote to me, and Thank You for reading my Blog. I hope to see or here from you soon.

FAQ and S

I've been trying to write this for days. Sickness and tiredness have taken there toll on me. As have seeing so many people everyday (although it's been great seeing so many people). Just saying sorry it took so long. Ok well I promised to give out a frequently asked questions with the last post. Well I haven't gotten many questions. So we will include statements. So this is a FAQS; Frequently Asked Questions and Statements!

Q) Who is your nasty friend?
A) I'm not telling, except to that person if he asks. I'll give you that much of a clue. I've also learned since then of some heavy stuff going around him, so I don't want to burden him with guilt. And I understand that this may be his reaction to seeing mortality in me.

Q) Noah are you looking for books? You should read *blank* book. Noah read this.
A) I'm not sure how I feel about books now. I've always loved to read so I've spent a lot of time reading. But being on my last few legs now, I almost feel that reading is a waste of time. However that is kind of a cop out answer. I waste time with TV, and that is much less beatifically than reading. It may also have to do with all the religious, holistic, new agy stuff people want me to read. Its not really my cup of tea. And I'm not even feeling like reading books that are my cup of tea. So I guess I'm saying don't need to be offered books to read. As I'm not really doing more than glancing at books I have.

Q)How can I help? What can I do?
A) If you are in or near San Francisco try to visit me. If you aren't  near SF send me an email, although I'm notoriously bad at writing back to you. If your feeling like you have some extra money you can mail me a card, snail mail style. That's really all I want and need. Well that you can do. If someone is a doctor and feels like removing this trake, I would be ever so grateful. My parents may want some break time so if you know them feel free to call to watch me and let them go out or stay in and sleep.

Q) How are you feeling?
A) Alright. If you want me to get more specific I will, but I'm always gonna be alright because I know that a week from now I'll be worse and a week from then I'll be worse and so on until a week from then I'll be dead. I hate to be candid like that, but its only going to get worse from here.

Q) Why do you hate the tracheotomy  so much?
A) I don't know, I just do. Its annoying. I'm always coughing up Flem. It is hard to disguise if I want to go out. It makes talking, which is possible just painful, impossible. It makes drinking impossible. I cant turn my head as much as I could before. It screams to everyone that this guy has a problem, which is not the business of strangers on the street. Because of that I stay indoors slightly more than I would have otherwise. And the flemy discharge gets all over my chest and neck, often when I am sleeping. I hate the Trake more than the cancer, and that is saying quite a lot, because the cancer brings me new and exotic pains almost daily.

Q) Are you angry/sad/depressed/etc.?
A) I'd like to think that I'm not angry or sad or depressed. But I'm can't. Every now and again when I scratch the surface I find anger and sadness. Mostly because I was a capable self-sufficient man, and now what can I do. Getting out of bed is almost an ordeal. Going to the bathroom is an ordeal (generally one that should be celebrated). I had energy and could lift things that needed lifting, and I had focus and could write "whatever" and generally get an A in school. I guess this is dying, it hurts like living, but my body is turning out the lights one at a time to close the factory (and tell me that that is not depression right there). On the flip side I'm very  open about talking about my illness or this process. I am not scared of dying (yet; I may be in denial). Almost no questions have come about that, but I'm open none the less. I think the most important this is that I don't let the anger, the sadness, the denial, and the depression get in the way of the happiness.

Q) What do you want done around your death? Anything that we can do to honor your memory?
A) Well as I'm dieing in my final hours I would love to have all my loved ones around. I will probably be unconscious and don't know how realistic that is. When asked what I wanted to happen to my body after death I replied "Taxidermy." Something tells me that isn't gonna happen. I have a feeling that I'm going to be cremated. That is fine with me. Although I wonder about my tattoos. It feels like a waist, I hope they can remove that skin, cure it, and put it in frames.
As too honoring my memory. I mostly want people to be happy and smile. So I say plant a tree or do a good deed, and smile in my name. Donate time to a good cause if you can't donate money. Indeed that might be more important than donating money, I don't know. I didn't volunteer as much as I'd have liked too.

Q) Whats going on with that art tattoo thing?
A) Well I got three pieces of art. I am hoping more might be coming soon so I can get it all done into a sleeve around my arm. Hopefully soon, Doctor said I could get a tattoo but don't know how long it will be where I can stand it. And if someone doesn't want to do a picture or something like that, that's fine; write an entry to my blog, and I'll post it. You could write a poem, or how your feeling or how I treated you in life or something like this.

Letter to my World

This is a letter I wrote last night. It started out as a blog, then got converted into a letter to some select people, and the intent to still post as a blog. As I state, feel free to email me anything at Fadingwildcard@gmail.com, or post on the comment link. I'll probably take all the questions and do a FAQ for my next blog, so keep questions and comments a 'coming. With out further ado;

Hey everybody,
Noah here. Some of you I haven't seen in a while. Others I've seen just the other day. Either way I do want to hang with you sometime soon. For those that don't know, in september of 2010 I was diagnosed with cancer on my tongue. It sucked, and I got it removed through an exhaustive surgery. The treatment had a few bumps but it was going cool..., until I was diagnosed with a really nasty case of pneumonia. I didn't really know at the time, but it came very close to killing me. I was in the hospital 2 weeks and then fought hard to get out. Then two  days later I was brought back in an ambulance. Boy howdy was I embarrassed. It ended up that all and all I spent 5 weeks in the hospital for pneumonia. But I got out and was stronger than ever, and with 2 months past the first surgery I was ready to finally start my radiation treatment. But the doc wanted me to put on some weight before I started radiation, because I had lost something like forty pound. So for two weeks life was was a great big pig out. Eating whatever I could chew and getting all my favorite foods (that were easy to chew)! It was awesome, except for the hard time chewing. And I brought my weight up to 125. Unfortunately my mouth started hurting again. And I found out, much to my chagrin, that the cancer was back. Not only was it back, but it had expanded and grafted onto my jawbone.

So fast foreword a bit. My Rabbi, parents and I meet with the surgery doctor. He outlines a surgery that I talk about in my blog. I was initially against it, wanting to go strait to hospice. But I am convinced that the surgery is the best choice all around. So I was on the surgery table just last week and they didn't do it. It turns out the tumor has grown to big. Which is why I wrote this email to all. For those that don't know, I am terminally ill.

Now I'm more or less accepting of that. It kinda bums me out that I will go in a few months, if not a few weeks. Barring any miracle mind you. Which I'm hoping for, just not betting on. Now I'm not asking for much. I don't have energy, and am not really allowed to go on trips. Basically I just want to see and spend time with friends until I go. Celebrate my life as opposed to morning my death. I don't think thats a lot to ask.

So I am sending this out not to bum anybody out. Lots people have drifted closer since they learned of my illnesses, but some friends seemed to drift far away, and in one case has become rather nasty. For all these people, close and far, let me know how i can get closer to you. Even if it's just by chatting online. I set up this email account for that. If you want to read my blog it www.noahvscancer.blogspot.com. And if you have any questions at all I welcome them. Feel free to ask anything and even tell me anything. If you don't want to deal with my problems or hear them at all, just email me that, and I'll take you off this list.

So now I'm starting to ramble. Just to help out my email is fadingwildcard@gmail.com. I really welcome seeing most of you, and I hope to hear from all of you. Lots of love,

--Noah Nacamulli

No news is goodnews

 So I went, against my better judgment, on the advice of my advisers and generals for one last battle. It was a gigantic surrender on my part. The cancer has won the war. Good effort for anything you put towards the effort, every little prayer for me and my family.

 On the one hand they found this out before the docs started cutting into my face. On the flip side they said I'd die of chocking on myself in a matter of days. I would have preferred to have been able to make the dissension to get a tracheotomy on my own. Personally I'd rather die.

 And I will die. Not immediately, once I get home. Depending on how much work has to go into trake care I may stay a month up or wait til the lord decides he needs me up there (despite my lack of faith) and calls me up in about 4  months from now.

 Honestly I am ready for the end. I was really hoping it would come with surgery. I'm still in immense amount of pain and the hospital hasn't done anything to help. But I'm tiered and grumpy. I'll retry to write something tomorrow.  Lots of Love ,

-Your Favorite Dead Guy ,
--Noah                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Blurred lines

 Hey all, hope all is well with every one. It has been longer than I would have liked to write to you guys and gals. However I've started a new drug, and it really makes it hard to concentrate on lines of thinking. So writing is probably suffering. Remembering to write (or take drugs or eat my cans) is harder to remember as well. And I have to constantly look back to see what I just wrote. This is one of the reasons I don't like the pain medicines. They do a great job of clearing up the pain (which is at least equally distracting towards writing), but they fuzzy up the brain waves.

As far as talking goes for after the surgery I have found something that should help out. I got an Ipad with a speech application developed just for people like me. So that I can type out what I want to say, and it says it. If I can ever get the expensive away from my pop that'll be great (just teasing).

Other than those two thing I have cousins coming in. I'm looking forward to that immensely. As is others on this coast. So that'll be fun before the horrendous surgery. So I guess thats it for this episode. Sorry its not more together. I'll try to do better next time.

Hey there

Well hi. I know its been a long time. I have excuses. I was in the hospital for a month with pneumonia. Things came up. But really I got lazy. I apologize. I can only hope to make it up to you in the future.

So I am assuming you graciously accepted my humble apology. I haven't heard anything about new artwork at all, so my right arm, it seems, will go bear... single tear.

So now we catch up. When last I was here I was doing good, had aches and pains, but overall was in the positive. That has changed. I have cancer again. It's worse than it was before. I'm going into surgery again. I'm told the only way I'll live is if I do this operation.

Now that may be a no-brainer for most. For me however this is going to be horrible. Since the cancer has decided to attach itself to my jaw bone, that needs to go. At least the section that its attached to. I'm told this is a large portion. In addition to that the half a tongue that was saved, that's gonna be gone. And for kicks my bottom row of teeth are also going the way of the dodo.

Now all that is fine and dandy (well it's not, but I think I could live with that) but the worst part of that is the whole drool control will probably be gone. So not only will I look like a B-movie monster, I'll be leaving a trail of drool around. Well until the radiation burns out my saliva producing glands.

Any-who the new operation takes place (drum roll please) on February 9th. This is entirely to soon for comfort. Not that I'm in comfort, what with the exotic pains from the cancer (this morning I woulda sworn that fire ants had built a nest in my tongue.

So goodbye for now. I'll try to get back on the writing band wagon again. And this time I won't leave you behind once I do the operation. And not just because type will be the only way of communication until I learn sign language.