Felicias Blog

Dear Noah,

Normally, much like you-- I don't like to express the...er...touchy feely feelings. I'd rather watch the "Die Hard" uhm...Quadrilogy (?) than "Hope Floats". I (jokingly of course) hope that the authors of "Lifetime" channel movies get septicemia from paper cuts. However, you are fairly frigging sick right now, so I'll attempt to tone down my own macho BS here.

You are a great person, and a great friend as well. In the (I dunno 5-7? Are we getting that old now?!) years that I've known you, you've always been sort of a "go to" guy to chat with for cheer and advice when I was feeling down. Doesn't sound like much-- but never underestimate a pal who can kick you in the butt, make you laugh, and keep you going when everything seems all cruddy. I also love the fact that we both butcher "Simpsons" quotes, and reference "Futurama" at inappropriate moments. (Her caviar was on your neck!!!) I seriously don't want to imagine going through a two week period where you don't call, text, or try to persuade me to visit Facebook to chat about nonsensical stuff. I also can't imagine not getting updates on your crazy yet adventurous and well intentioned drama too.  I know Angelo feels the same way.

How am I feeling?
Well, we did chat a bit on FB, and seriously, I just feel kind of floored. Like this whole thing isn't real, and can't be happening to you. Seriously, you have so much more to do, and see, and get done, and succeed, and fail at-- that the whole thing seems cosmically ridiculous. I keep waiting to get this call
from you, to hear that the Doctors were mistaken, they mixed up the samples, and this isn't happening. Not my friend, I'm special, he's special, and this shit isn't supposed to happen to us. (I'm going to imagine that you felt very much the same way when you lost Aaron.) I also feel  angry, like if we all just pulled together, and did that one magic thing we could fix this.

 I feel guilty too, I feel like I should be able to cry about this, get really sad, come to terms with it-- I can't right now. I just have this empty hollow feeling, and when I really start to think of it, waves of irritation. I feel like I shouldn't be sharing these feelings with you, I feel like I'm letting you down, and I should just tell you everything will be fine, we're all fine, you'll be fine, bad things don't happen to good people, Doctors are all assholes and wrong anyway, and that admitting that the situation might be serious will make it worse. (And right here is where you are usually around to tell me that life is life, it can be good and bad, and not to project since the Universe happens with or without us.)

So, I'm running on now, and I don't know that you'll want to read such a huge, whiny missive. Please don't feel bad about the feeding tube, and the tongue surgery. I completely understand that both of those things are never going to be anyone's first choice of semi-elective surgery. I also totally understand that this is getting pretty scary, and pretty serious for a semi-serious person. This isn't going to change who you are though, and these rather extreme measures are the best chance at getting better, so please hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but I know in my heart that you can take this, and beat it.
I won't ever think less of you if you get angry, scared, or even whiny, and I don't think anyone else will either. We'll be happy to take you any way you come.


Post it or don't, Ang and I "bro love" ya, and don't fucking care if you know it- please get better.

-Felicia