Yesterday’s blog seems to have affected people more than any other post until now. Some people were angry, some sad, some were sympathetic, some were confused and a surprising amount of people thought I was talking about suicide. That was not my intent. I expect eliciting a range of emotions like I did is a mark of a good writer. The confusion over my writing could be taken as the mark of a bad writer. I guess we can leave that at that.
The first thing I’d like to talk about is the part that most people, in their responses to me personally. They thought that I was telling the doctor about suicide. I was more curious into how long it would take the cancer to kill me. And how much more painful it would get. Each time I think the pain is going stop intensifying, something comes up and it, I keep being forced up the amount of what I’m taking to cope.
I’m not even taking Percocet anymore. This in some ways is good. I couldn’t take more Percocet per day, or it would start damaging my liver. Not to mention it’s an addictive narcotic. Not that it’s the only addictive narcotic. But I digress from my original point.
I was not asking with the intent of suicide, or even the intent of stopping of treatment. In fact I will probably end up talking to the Social worker I was told about. And the crying, well that was in regards to the overwhelming amount of side effects that could and would happen from the radiation. After talking to all the doctors, I really, really like the radiologist as a doctor. He reminds me, by way of body language and mannerisms, immensely of my friend Norman. And he is a super intelligent guy. Nonetheless he is a busy physician who doesn’t have time for bedside manors. So I was given a barrage of bad news and more bad news. Although come to think of it that may just be how people talk about the effects of radiation. I had a dentist appointment yesterday and the dentist blatantly told me I could get religious about oral hygiene (although he did comment that I was doing well for a normal person) or I could take out all my teeth and get dentures. If I didn’t do one or the other, my jaw bone would die.
Alright this is not what I had indented to write. Instead it seems to have turned into a free write session. So, since I don’t feel like doing a second draft right now I’m just going to post it. Oh, and people, in the future if you want to comment on a specific blog, click on the blog name, go down past the article, you’ll see a comments session. Alright, hope everyone has a good one.
Hi Noah- You don't know me, but I go to CSZ as well. My name's Kelley. I had cancer as well. A different form, ovarian and uterine, but I am also far too young for the target age of that cancer. I know the shock of hearing the cancer diagnosis. I know the emotional roller coaster I was on afterward. I suspect you had at least some of the same emotions.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to tell that you have amazing doctors. Your dad posted that you were going to UCSF. I had UCSF doctors as well and they are phenomenal! They are some of the most caring, most diligent doctors I've ever had the good fortune to snag. You are truly in good hands.
Second, I want to give you some resources. The Osher center at Divisadero and Post is a cancer resource center for UCSF. They have classes to prepare you for surgery, cancer exercise classes like yoga and such, that can help when you go through radiation. They can help with the anxiety and the nausea. All those things are free. Some of them are also offered through the JCC on California street. The American Cancer Society also offers support in the form of classes and rides. You can call them (1-800-227-2345, www.cancer.org) and they'll give you all sorts of info. They offer free rides to appointments (up to $300/year I believe. They use taxis here in SF.) You do have to call in advance and set up the rides, but they can tell you about it. And there is a website, www.caringbrige.org, where you can set up a free profile and send it out to your communities to let them know what you need. People can schedule times to do things for you. For example, maybe you'll need rides to places when your regular way to get there has a conflict, or maybe your family just gets exhausted and you could really use someone to cook a dinner for you. These are some of the types of things you can put on the profile and people can sign up for a day to do those things. It's an amazing resource and your friends want to help, whether you know it or not. People really will rally around you and want to be given things to do. This is a great way to direct that energy.
You all might also consider, for yourself and your family, finding support groups or therapists. Having a way to vent is so important (and this blog is a great place for that!). You should be able to say things that you maybe don't feel like you can tell people who know and love you, and your parents need a place to vent as well. Disease is such a frightening thing and it can just rip people apart. Groups of people going through it together is a really powerful place to come from. It can help you make the tough decisions, it can support you when you think nothing else can.
I know we don't know each other, but if I can help you in some way or answer a question or be a sounding board for you, whatever, please let me know. You can contact me and I will do whatever I can for you. Here's my email: clements_kelley@yahoo.com
Oh- and I totally think you should name the lump. It really is a great way to vent about it. I had to have a lump removed from my back recently, just a cyst, but very painful. My trainer named it Gerald. It was much easier to talk about it with other people once it was named. We could yell at it, make jokes about it, etc. Whatever you can do to make yourself more empowered right now, any way to muster the strength to get through this, you should do.
Noah- I was at CSZ for about a year. I'm not sure if I met you but I send you much love and healing. I'm glad you're asking the tough questions and hanging in there. We're there for you. Just let us know what you need.
ReplyDelete-Valerie Kam
Noah,
ReplyDeleteHaving seen a number loved ones go through various kinds of cancer and treatments, I think your question was a reasonable one. Cancer treatment can be painful, and it can have horrible side effects--and at some point everyone needs to balance their short- and long-term quality of life issues. I've known people who have foregone treatment, who had treatment and decided to stop at a certain point, and who kept on with it, when maybe it was time to stop and enjoy what time was left. The important thing to consider, besides pain, is what treatment can offer you in terms of a cure, or time.
I do think talking to a social worker is a good way to sort some of this out.
And you said something earlier about saving sperm before treatment which I think is a very good idea since it gives you options in the future.
Nancy Silverrod